Cutting

I was mad at everyone and everything. Mad at my mother for leaving me. Mad at my sister because she made my life a nightmare. Mad at my aunt because she wouldn't take me in. Mad at the loving people that took me in because they forced their rules on me. Mad at most of the people I went to school with because they were typical teenagers and could be cruel.

I held my anger in. All of it. Many times I would cry or scream in frustration because of how I felt. To relieve that pressure, I cut. The thought of doing that now is absolutely unthinkable to me, but then it was the most wonderful thing I could have ever done. It made me feel better because it made me feel. I hurt rather than felt angry. I was able to work out the frustration in a way I found productive.

No one ever knew. ...until I took it too far one day.

My freshman year in college I dated a guy for a couple of months. I thought he was wonderful and then he accused me of cheating on him and I hadn't. I was so upset with trying to figure out how to talk to him and make him believe me that I went back to my old habit.

Except this time I got a knife. One of our biggest ones. I was in so much despair. "I didn't lie." "Why doesn't he belive me?" "What am I going to do if he starts telling people I cheat." ...not ever that I couldn't live without him, but I didn't want this untruth to ruin my reputation and I was sure there was only one way out.

I had the knife up to my wrist, knowing the "correct" way to cut in order to achieve what I thought I wanted. I called my uncle, knowing somewhere in the back of my head that what I was doing was craziness, but he didn't answer. I could barely speak because I was crying so hard, but I left a message. Right when I decided that I had my answer and was going to start my demise, he called back. I told him that I was just really upset over the break-up and I'm sure I would be fine.

That was enough to snap me out of the delusion that I was making the right choice. I threw the knife across the room where it stayed until my best friend and my roommate came home.

Lowest of the low.

I wish I could say this was the only time I've ever thought about ending everything, but it's not. Even to this day, I often contemplate running my car off a bridge, or some other method to make myself "feel better."

But I've learned that I can deal with whatever comes at me because I have people I can talk to. I have personal ways to get out my anger, sadness, depression and frustration. You'll never regret making the decision to live, no matter the circumstance. I am a firm believer in no one being able to make you sad/mad/angry/etc, you choose to let them make you feel that way. You are the only one that can control your mood. And if you don't have anyone to talk to...well, that's what I'm here for. E-mail me anytime and I may not be able to do anything but listen, but I'm here and that's half the battle.

Thinking

I've been doing some thinking today about where I want this blog to go. It's obvious I don't spend enough time on it to justify keeping it around.

I have always wanted to have a "place" that makes a difference, even if I never know it, to someone and in light of all that's been going on around me this year (and several years prior), I have found my topic.

suicide.

Almost half of the people I know have been affected by it at some point in their lives. Husband, wife, child, grandparent, aunt, uncle, cousin, friend, classmate, co-worker and the list goes on.

This topic is very near and dear to my heart as I have lost two people in my family to this as well as contemplated it myself.

Before I really get started into the topic, let me throw in a little disclaimer. If you don't like what I put up here - Leave. If I post something incorrectly - fact related - please tell me via email tae.nyx@gmail.com. Otherwise, nothing negative or I will delete it. This isn't a forum where you can go to bash others or make them feel worse than they already do. This is to help those who are hurting or to find help for loved ones.

In the days to come, I will tell my story. Not all of it yet, but highlights, and then I will tell you the story of those who I have lost.

If you are thinking about suicide or know someone who is...tell someone before it's too late. This decision could be a permanent one - for you or the person you know.

Here are some websites for you to visit while I start contemplating how to tell my story:

http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/

http://www.suicide.org/suicide-warning-signs.html

Choose to live. You are loved whether you realize it or not.

Movies

Since I don't have cable anymore, I've become a movie critic. ...of the same movies, over and over and over. Good thing I like the movies I own or I would be in some serious trouble.

I did splurge and buy a new movie the other day, Ghostwriter. It sucks. All the exciting parts happened in the last five minutes of the movie. The rest was bluh. Of course, keeping in mind, I am an excitement junkie. Perhaps I was just expecting a little more chase / fighting / drama then what they thought the movie should have.

With that bad review comes a good one -

Salt - GREAT MOVIE. Had no idea and then once I thought I had it all figured out, surprise again. Very glad I watched that movie. Hoping they make another one very soon.

Grocery Shopping Joke

I went grocery shopping recently while not being altogether sure that course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented "You're definitely going to $h!t yourself" chili. Tasty stuff, albeit hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat the next day both of your @$$ cheeks WILL fall off!!! Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No "Watson's Movement 2". Despite habanera peppers swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I appeared to be unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by my next door neighbors as "Thunder and Lightning!" Knowing that a time of reckoning had to come, yet not sure of just when, I bravely set off for the market; a local Wal-Mart grocery store that I often haunt in search of tasty tidbits. Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase. It wasn't until I was at the opposite end of the store from the restrooms that the pain hit me. Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm referring to that "Uh oh, gotta go" pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time. The thing is, this pain was different. The habaneras in the chili from the night before were staging a revolt. In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I could take one step in the direction of the restrooms which would bring sweet relief, it happened. The peppers fired a warning shot. There I stood, alone in the spice and baking aisle, suddenly enveloped in a noxious cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me. Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as an elderly woman turned into it. I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what her reaction would be to the malodorous effluvium that refused to dissipate, as she walked into it unsuspecting. Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally? Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at least will be able to relate. I could've warned that poor woman but I didn't. I simply watched as she walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor so terrible that all she could do before gathering her senses and running, was to stand there blinking and waving her arms about her head as though trying to ward off angry bees. This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh. Mistake.Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things "clamped down", if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from my "Nether Region." Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun!!! Suddenly things were no longer funny. IT was coming, and I raced off through the store towards the restrooms, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying that I'd make it before the grand mal @$$-plosion took place. Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began the inevitable "Oh my God", floating above the toilet seat because my BUTT is burning SO BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of "Shock and Awe". He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said, "$onof@&itch!", then quickly left. Once finished I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me and said, "Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem." That of course set me off laughing again, causing residual gases to escape me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, "IT'S YOU!", then ran off returning moments later with the manager. I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return. Home again without having shopped, I realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I went to shop at Albertson's. I can't say anymore about that because we are in court over the whole matter. &@st@rd$ claim they're going to have to repaint the store!

Missing you

Wow. Who would have guessed that three days and two nights away from you would be so hard? Luckily I am on my way to your arms and that moment can't happen soon enough!

Golf...haha

I am attempting to play golf now. I hate it. Hate. It. But I did play in a golf tournament the day after my first attempt at golfing on a course...so there might be hope for me yet. The pictures below reflect some of the good times that were had at the course. Heaven help us.

DB's ball - hole in one, just not the right hole

My perfect shot on the fairway.
Except the next time I hit it, I skipped the ball on the pond
and landed in the weeds to the right of the water.

The unfortunate incident with the cooler. The boys apparently forgot that I still had to tee off from the girly tee and took off for their ball...after I yelled at them, JB did a 180 degree turn and DB couldn't hold on to the cooler and the side of the golf cart at the same time,
thus resulting in the ice mess you see pictured above :)

Fox on Sex: Let's Get Naked!

Fox on Sex: Let's Get Naked! - Sex Erectile Dysfunction Sexual Health - FOXNews.com